Q: Et tu, Jonathan? A: Read. Read some more. Buy Red Bull.
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| The Patient Etherized Q: Et tu, Jonathan? A: Read. Read some more. Buy Red Bull. |
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Thursday, May 29, 2003 Questioning It's interesting: I think there are essentially two kinds of men in the world -- the ones who will put up with crap and the ones who won't. These are known as the non-bastards and the bastards. The good qualities of the first group are that they will be nice always and don't speak up. They are the doormats to their wives. The bastards are the Don Juans, the individualistic, more ambitious people. The salesmen of the world. I've been reading Tom Wolfe's A Man in Full and you can really see these characters in the book. I'm not sure which side I fall into, but I am a stubborn bastard about a lot of things even if I'm probably not a bastard when it comes to caring about someone and being in a relationship with that person. I hate the idea of laying down and dying because I want to get something -- even if laying down and dying seems like the best possible option. This year has taught me a lot about how people perceive the world and what goes into their thought processes. Two people can both be wrong at the same time, and another set of two people can both be right, in their own terms. I've also learned that two people who think they're right should actually just compromise, and not fight until one person is bullied into thinking what the other person thinks. What is going to happen in my future is very up in the air. Apparently there are only three other people going to Singapore on the Fulbright: a graduate from Brown, one from Columbia who is doing a PhD in History, and another girl from Georgetown who is an undergrad. Hopefully they're not assholes. I think the Columbia woman is studying government housing in Singapore, if I'm not wrong. I woke up way too late -- well I took a nap at 8:15 after returning my car and set my alarm improperly for 10am. Oh well, I guess I needed the sleep. Tomorrow, however, I need to wake up at 9 for a Tatum meeting. I've decided that my pet alter-ego is a Scottish Terrier. It's so damned cute. It's goofy looking like me, smart, and slow to mature. Simon's alter-ego is equally funny: a Black Russian, this big-ass dog with a goofy head. Okay, I'm off to the showers. posted by Jon | 1:26:00 PM Tuesday, May 27, 2003 Golfing and such Just got back from golfing today. I got really dehydrated on the back nine, but the front nine was really fun. I putted really well, but I wish that I would have had my clubs since I had to borrow Justin's backup set (also known as the shittiest set ever). I putted incredibly well, one-putting four holes, with only one three-putt on the front nine for a total of 15 putts. Now I'm puttering around (oh the wit!) and trying to write an op-ed -- one of those "final boohoo op-eds" I guess -- for tomorrow paper. I'm going to try to write it in an hour, then go out and have a little fun, then try to read to catch up in English and Classics (if that is at all possible). I missed the academic gala event today because of golfing. We thought it was at seven, but it was actually at six. It's not that big a deal, but it would have been nice to go to both things. At least it was a good way to take my mind off things. I'm not that keen about writing a sappy final op-ed, but I suppose I'll try to look at some examples and see what I can add to the "genre" or whatever you want to call it. Okay, back to the Batcave. posted by Jon | 8:11:00 PM Monday, May 26, 2003 Well isn't the word for today Dammit, you know you've read too many sonnets when your blog titles start to sound like the titles editors give untitled sonnets. How's that for a shitty sentence that repeats the same word forty-six times? So I found out that I had two glaring errors in my thesis. Oh well, I guess there's not much I can do about it right now. I just hope that my second reader doesn't A) read all the way to the bottom of my acknowledgements and B) likes everything I do and worships me as the new Adonis. Umm, wait a minute. It's probably more likely that B happens, right? Right, that's what I thought. In case you couldn't tell, I'm not writing my paper now so I'm procrastinating. I can choose to plagiarize large chunks of stuff from my thesis, but I actually don't feel like doing that. Dammit to all the seniors who are wandering drunk through Novack. Die slow motherfucker. My fofo make sho all yo kids don't grow (well you get the point). Another annoying thing that is happening right now is that there are three people crammed into the table next to me, one really close to me. Hopefully they'll be lightweights and leave early. I really hope so. Or I can just move. We'll see. Thesis defense tomorrow at 3. Okay, must go back to work. posted by Jon | 12:48:00 AM Sunday, May 25, 2003 Dear Diary Went to Four Aces for lunch with Ryan which was really good. Per usual I got sleepy and then took a three hour nap afterwards. I have to write an eight page paper for tomorrow so I should get started soon. Not that I'm very motivated about doing it. I like the topic and my thesis was concerned with this idea, but who knows if I'll summon up the effort. My mom woke me up and I gave her about 20 garbled words before I had to set the phone down. I should call her back soon so that she doesn't feel that I ignored her or something. Boring day so far. Cloudy and relatively cold out. Talked with Rob on the phone for a while. posted by Jon | 7:28:00 PM Saturday, May 24, 2003 Boston was really fun. Had a good time with my mom going out to Legal Seafoods, buying clothing, talking, and going to Zaftigs today. Drove back here really quickly in order to have some fun. Now am going to work for an hour or so and then go out to play pong or do whatever. Maybe eat the rest of my pastrami sandwich from lunch. Have some new theories I should write down soon. Note to self: blog is good place to write down crackpot theories -- no one to bitch you out too much because people are lazy shits. posted by Jon | 7:51:00 PM Friday, May 23, 2003 Now. Me. Going to Boston for a little while. I still need to get some work done in the library so I can do more work once I'm in Boston. However, I really don't feel like it. It's funny how tired I am considering I got about 12 hours of sleep last night. Also funny how I have to sign the cards for Singaporeans coming to Dartmouth next year. Oh well -- hope they feel better. I is off, as they say in my hood (Brookline). posted by Jon | 5:36:00 PM Wednesday, May 21, 2003 Mmmm I just consumed a smoked salmon on toasted brioche appetizer, roast duck with orange glaze (what else does duck ever have on it), two desserts (I ordered two because it was free, dammit -- manners be gone! -- a blueberry cheesecake and rhubarb tart), a pot of earl grey tea, and two glasses of wine. I think I rang the English Department up for $75 worth of food. Well that's good because my thesis cost $150 to print. Just posted a pile of bullshit to the QLRS forum. I don't really care if it's not the best thing I've written ever (or in the last twenty minutes, or the best thing I've shat) since I just want to shake people's conceptions up. Won some weird award yesterday from the Pan-Asian Council. I guess it's something to put on my resume. I feel pretty priviledged to be getting all these nice things. It's just like in high school where all the cool things happened to me after I had applied to college and it didn't matter quite as much. Not that that takes anything away from me. Think I'll drink heavily right about now. I want to wake up and get a haircut and run errands tomorrow though so I can't drink too too much. posted by Jon | 11:35:00 PM DONE! I woke up at 2:40am after sleeping at 11pm Monday night, then worked essentially straight until about 12pm today. It was pretty ridiculous. But my thesis is done -- I handed it into the printers, asked for seven copies, and then went back to my room and fell asleep for a good five hours. I really hope that in my delirium I didn't screw anything up. Any typo would be annoying since I'm usually so anal. But I'm happy. It ended up being 158 pages total, of which 136 was written. Went to Jewel of India with Imran, Saad, Milan, Faris and Rummi today and the food was really good. Chicken tikka masala and rogan josh and naan. Of course maybe it was so good because I hadn't eaten in a long time, but nonetheless I was happy. Still exhausted now but I have to do a 2 page paper for tomorrow which kind of sucks. Damn, I feel like sleeping. And, thus, I will. You know why? Because I can [-o-] posted by Jon | 1:03:00 AM Monday, May 19, 2003 Tammy the Hammy I think this might be it -- this might be the end of my thesis. I've done a good job editing the first two chapters and a decent job on the third chapter. I'm going to write the rest of the conclusion now (which I haven't done in the last five days because I'm lazy) and then look at editing the fourth chapter. My thesis is getting ridiculously long -- 145 or so with the conclusion done, and probably about 170-175 with everything else done, including appendices and acknowledgements, etc. Had a good dinner at Yama's with Jackie. Was kind of annoyed later while studying for various reasons, but still managed to get work done. In a very calm mood now. If I finish by tomorrow I'm going to celebrate like there's no tomorrow (and with that much alcohol in me, there probably won't be a tomorrow). I worked until 9am last night, after seeing Gone with the Wind with Christina. Had a good time with her and it's nice to be on good terms again. Also got to eat EBA's mini buffalo chicken eggrolls, which are damn good. Green Key has been a bit blah and not that different from any other weekend. I'm not that upset though, since I had a pretty good time waltzing about my room and procrastinating by watching movies and playing GT3 (woohoo, I'm doing a series of incredibly long races that are getting a bit annoying). Thought for the day: what if my hammy suddenly became super intelligent and took over the world? Pinky and the Brian probably thought of this idea first (Narf) but I'll take credit for it on account of my addled state now. Excited about my post-thesis days, which are just around the corner. Also semi-excited about the Fulbright. Found out some weird shit actually by looking at the listing of former scholars -- had a pseudo-girlfriend (aka not my girlfriend but I wanted her to be -- such was high school :-) who I hadn't talked to or seen since senior year of high school (she was a year older and went to Brown) who ended up becoming a Fulbright scholar in Comparative Literature. Went to Russia. Another Milton grad also went on a Fulbright from the class before. Okay, going to go back to work. posted by Jon | 1:35:00 AM Saturday, May 17, 2003 Game 7 of the Kings-Mavericks series! Actually in a bit of a conflict now about doing work or watching a game/movie. Definitely need to do work though. Looks like the Mavs are opening up hot though, but we'll see if it holds. Didn't end up going to Boston in the end because I was tired and needed to do work on my thesis. And have I done this work? Well, what do you think? Going to eat papaya bought from the Co-op now and watch some basketball but I really am not sure if I want to watch for that long. We'll see. posted by Jon | 8:23:00 PM Each week comes and goes very quickly these days, I've noticed. Had some fun at TriKap but not a ton of fun. I really don't like these "big weekends" as much as some people do. The freestyle event was so good though -- worth ten times the price of The Matrix. This 06 kid named Cole (Entress is the only possible last name according to DID) won the whole event, beating out all the people who were shipped up here expressly for this event. He sounded like a dorkier, more nasally Eminem, and he had such funny rhymes it was almost too good to be true. posted by Jon | 12:42:00 AM Friday, May 16, 2003 I am editing my thesis on the couch because I'm worried if I edit anywhere else I'll get distracted. I'm no longer that sick now, and I played with the hammy for a while which was fun. Had a bowl of ramen (kim chi korean kind -- pretty damn good) from 2-2:40 in Tanya's room, which was fun and a good break (umm, not that I was doing work before since I watched an hour of the Kings game with Ryan). Almost done with editing my intro again. Really need to do a good job editing it though, since I don't think I'll have time to go over it again. Will update later. And to all you supporters -- you're wrong, the Matrix sucked :-) When they say the movie is sold out, they should also talk about how the movie sold out. posted by Jon | 3:42:00 AM Thursday, May 15, 2003 And thus Green Key weekend begins for everyone else. And I am in Novack editing my thesis. Have edited 8 pages of my intro so far. Woo hoo! It's strange how when you stare out toward the big Carson sign the "C" gets cut off so you can only read "Arson." posted by Jon | 9:28:00 PM The Matrix Reloaded sucked my ... well you get the point. What a pile of shit to watch for almost 2 and a half hours. I mean, the first one had the building up of the hero thing going on, but here Neo was constantly good. The only suspense came when he wasn't in the scene. But I don't feel like taking apart the pseudo-philosophy and bashing matrix-ese. The movie lost its edge for me and I no longer bought into the world. posted by Jon | 1:10:00 AM Wednesday, May 14, 2003 For the love of God Somebody make my headache go away. I feel like I'm stuffed with lead and it's about to come out my ears. I really hope it's not because I'm allergic to the hammy, but I'm pretty sure that is the reason. I also don't know what to do with it once I go away to Singapore, or even go away in mid-June. Hamster, allergy, and sickness problems abound. posted by Jon | 2:59:00 PM Tuesday, May 13, 2003 I think there is a direct corollation btw how much I blog and how much I write on my thesis. So if I don't blog in long entries I also don't write a lot for my thesis. Damn, that means I haven't been working much lately. If you want to kill time this is a pretty horrific (and entertaining) history of The Dartmouth Review. Damn they were racist and homophobic in the early to late 80s. An interesting thought: it used to be that feminism and other things were the tough positions to defend. Doesn't it seem like racism and fundamentalism are now in that position? Fuck, they're mowing the grass outside. My nose is going to run like Niagara Falls. I don't have two coherent thoughts right now so I'm going to take a nap like the hammy, whose temporary name is Tammy for now. posted by Jon | 2:37:00 PM Worried I suppose it's none of my business, but I'm worried about Jackie being alright. She has been upset lately -- so have I for that matter, but it's easier to know how you're feeling than somebody you don't see that often. I guess the best thing I can do is stay out of her hair for a while since she seems to want to go on with her life. Got in a pretty nasty fight with C today, which sucked, but I saw it coming and I needed to do it to try to clean up my act a little bit. The Fulbright was a great surprise and probably kept me from being bitchy all day long. I also got the Dartmouth General Fellowship on the same day in fact, but since I didn't even get into Oxford (they got a rec late or something), I'm going to decline it anyway. Was just watching TV and saw this German dude named Gerhard Reinke who hosts a Comedy Central show called "Wanderlust." He looks scarily like me, or at least a more German, more pseudo-effeminate version of me. Time to try to plagiarize as much as possible by this book by a former (not sure actually, but he's not on the faculty list) prof at UCLA named Richard Lehan. He is the shit in my opinion. posted by Jon | 2:59:00 AM Monday, May 12, 2003 Singapore, here I come! I got the motherfucking Fulbright! I'm not sure why my blog has devolved into a series of exclamatory remarks, but this one made me pretty happy (almost as happy as watching the hammy). I really didn't expect this at all since I was waitlisted, but it is great that I was able to get off the waitlist. It did fall into my lap so I should be wary about getting a puffed-up head about this thing, since I should have made more plans for this coming year. posted by Jon | 5:23:00 PM Sunday, May 11, 2003 Just got through a traumatic 24 hours of trying to figure out how to solve my problems as a human being. Wish that I hadn't messed up so much of this year in terms of private stuff, and now it's time to turn all that around and fix my problems. posted by Jon | 5:36:00 PM Saturday, May 10, 2003 He's Back (nah, nah, nah nah nah) Whoo, dear did I have a hangover earlier today. I'll have lots of photos too to post up from last night since I lent my camera to Faris and he once again worked his photographic wonders. The hamster is doing nice. I harassed it a bit today until it ate a bit of food. Jackie, Mendez and I went out to buy more materials for it, so now it has a wheel, some wood to chew on, and proper food (we had guinea pig food by accident before). I'll try to update in detail about what happened last night. Time to play with the hamster. posted by Jon | 6:58:00 PM Friday, May 09, 2003 The hammy is a cute little thing and it's running around next to me right now. I can't wait til I domesticate it and can pet it and make it respond to my voice and talk to me (wait a minute, that's a girlfriend -- dammit!). posted by Jon | 9:48:00 PM HAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!! Jackie bought me a hammy! I am very very happy. This was the best present ever. posted by Jon | 9:46:00 PM Puppies and Hammies Haven't done any work since I got back from the library at 3:15am. Read an essay on Arthur Yap just now from qlrs.com and it just boggles my mind how people seem to miss the point with his work. I mean, his poetry focuses on two major themes over and over, the growing artificiality of nature and the state of the individual within this world. He is certainly a "poet of the city" and a distinctive user of the vernacular, but I think that his focus on the city and use of Singlish only serve larger purposes -- the logic of the city and capitalism interact with nature in an interesting way/ the Singlish and lower case, e.e. cummings-esque punctuation just further mark him out to be a poet who resists standard, official discourse in favor of commenting on Singaporean society. Phew, that's my rant... Going to try to sleep. I realized I haven't said anything funny since that "penis" blog a while back. So I will try to think of boobies and penises in my dreams, instead of the disturbing dreams I've been having lately. posted by Jon | 5:37:00 AM Small Update: Edited 20 pages of my first chapter last night, have already done a pretty good job of the practical criticism for chapters 2 and 3, and need to: a) write a conclusion (10-15 pages) b) intersperse some of my theory into the body chapters so it doesn't look like my intro is all theory and no textual analysis and my body chapters are the opposite. c) probably something else I should do also. Oh well. I'm really not motivated to write this two page paper for Classics, but I will probably do most of it anyway. posted by Jon | 3:10:00 AM Why is Jackie such a hardnosed stubborn shit sometimes? Musings will not follow, as I'm not that open about my life. posted by Jon | 3:06:00 AM Thursday, May 08, 2003 Template I stole from Jackie's blog LAYER ONE: -- Name: Jonathan Schroeder -- Birthplace: Boston, MA -- Current Location: Hanover, NH -- Eye Color: Blue -- Hair Color: Brown -- Height: 5ft 10 inches -- Righty or Lefty: Righty -- Zodiac Sign: Capricorn (hence I'm a stubborn shit) LAYER TWO: -- Your heritage: My mother is from Ireland, so I'm half Irish. My dad is half Swiss-French and half German, making me a quarter of each. -- The shoes you wore today: Lambskin moccassins... what kind of dumbass question is this? Soon they'll probe deeper and deeper I suppose, until my intestines are cleaned like a good $500 enema. Okay, that was just nasty. Sorry... -- Your fears: Okay, I can't match Jackie's fears, but I fear being alone and lonely. It's okay to be alone, but to be lonely too sucks. -- Your perfect pizza: Spuckies with Rob wasn't the greatest pizza but some of my better memories of pizza eating are with Rob so I'll say that. -- Goal you'd like to achieve: I want to be able to make a change in society -- right now I have to figure out how to do that. Of course I'd also answer this by saying that people's life goals are usually hard to achieve, and that means taking a risk. LAYER THREE: -- Your thoughts first waking up: I have class in ten minutes/ why do I keep dreaming about Jackie?/ Why don't I have any clean clothing? -- Your best physical feature: Profile? I don't know -- I don't want to be arrogant. Anyone who has a reasonable base of attractiveness can perfect their body. I'd rather work on my mind for now (after my thesis then I can work on putting substances into my body however). -- Your bedtime: I am crazy. I never sleep. It's 4:30AM now and it feels like the afternoon. I slept at 8AM yesterday, woke up at noon, then slept from 10:15-1:45AM. -- Your most missed memory: The one thing I've really fucked up in my life. LAYER FOUR: -- Pepsi or Coke: Coke. -- McDonald's or Burger King: Mickey D's -- Single or group dates: Orgies? Did I hear orgies? I probably would prefer single dates because I don't like pressure with other guys around, but I've never really been on a date. -- Adidas or Nike: I wore Adidas Sambas for a long time -- bought like six straight pairs of them, but now I wear Nikes. They're both fine, in my opinion. -- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Ash and I had this obsession over Nestea freshman year where we'd go through like 20 in a week, so I guess Nestea. -- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla ice cream, chocolate cake. -- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee to stay awake, though Red Bull is much better :-) LAYER FIVE: -- Smoke: It's not very fun in my opinion so I don't do it. One thing that annoys me is that, since I hang out with so many brown people, I've noticed that many Muslims who don't drink tend to smoke. I mean, really, don't you think that Muhammed would have banned smoking too if he knew how bad and unclean it really was? Even if he didn't ban it, I think it's a bad habit. My parents really beat this one into me though. -- Cuss: Very infrequently, though I want to call my dog "Shitty the Wonder Dog." -- Sing: Either alone or to annoy people (ahem, e.g. singing Kylie's "Can't Get You Out of My Head"). -- Take a shower everyday: Yup -- maybe miss taking a shower once every two weeks. -- Have a crush(es): Not that many -- didn't really know girls until the seventh grade though, and since then I've had a few, but I didn't act on any really. -- Do you think you've been in love: Still am. -- Want to go to college: Nah, college is overrated. -- Like(d) high school: It was aight. -- Want to get married: Yes, so there can be little Jons in the world and because I like girly-girls. -- Believe in yourself: If I didn't I would curl up into a small ball and be very miserable. -- Get motion sickness: Nope. And I hope I don't soften with age. -- Think you're attractive: Not the best, not the worst. Maybe "above-average." -- Think you're a health freak: Let's see: just ate an EBA's steak bomb at 2:30AM. Yup, definite health freak -- Get along with your parent(s): Decently -- I get bitchy at my mom but she's a wonderful mother and I love her to pieces. My dad is quieter and I'd like to be a more expressive, involved dad, but I get along pretty well with him too. Much more confident around him than I used to be. -- Like thunderstorms: Yes. I saw some really dramatic thunderstorms in Wyoming, complete with hail and snow. I was not safe and warm but I was dry at least -- Play an instrument: Nope. Played the piano for two years but stopped in second or third grade after being embarrassed at a piano recital because I was playing "Old McDonald Rock" and I thought it was a stupid song. LAYER SIX: In the past month... -- Drank alcohol: Only a little bit. Had margarita and a "mojito" last night and occasionally a few drinks, but no binge drinking, dammit. -- Smoked: No. -- Done a drug: No. -- Had Sex: Every night...in my dreams :( -- Made Out: Nope. -- Gone on a date: No. -- Gone to the mall?: I don't think so. -- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: -- Eaten sushi: For dinner. -- Been on stage: With your mom! -- Been dumped: No, not in the past month. -- Gone skating: With your mom! -- Made homemade cookies: Nooooooooooooooooooooooboobies -- Gone skinny dipping: Noooooooooooooooooooboobies. -- Dyed your hair: No. -- Stolen anything: Ideas from South Park LAYER SEVEN: Ever... -- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes, mainly freshman and sophomore years. -- Been caught "doing something": Rarely, but yes. -- Been called a tease: No -- Gotten beaten up: I win my fights :-P -- Shoplifted: When I was twelve, a friend and I stole a porn magazine. Felt guilty about it and didn't do anything since. Someone stole the porn from me in camp, ironically. -- Changed who you were to fit in: Sometimes, but I never really feel comfortable doing it so I usually only go partway. LAYER EIGHT: -- Age you hope to be married: 27-28. -- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 or 3 kiddos. Names: Phil (haha, just kidding), and I am thinking about naming some after friends of mine since I think that's a nice gesture. But I also like other names too like Stephen (not with the "v") and William. Must be multiple syllables to match up with my last name after all. -- Describe your Dream Wedding: And what if I don't? What are you gonna do about it? -- How do you want to die: In the arms of someone I love (I'd have to agree with Jackie on this one). -- Where you want to go to college: I thought I wanted to go to Yale at first, but Dartmouth is perhaps a better fit for me because it keeps me from being a complete pompous asshole. Plus I met at least one really good person here who also didn't think she'd end up here. -- What do you want to be when you grow up: A fireman! Umm, someone who thinks about how to improve the world and hopefully acts on those thoughts. -- What country would you most like to visit: Indonesia and Greece. Hopefully get to go to both this summer LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl.. -- Best eye color? Brown because I obviously have an Asian fetish. Haha, I actually like blue best but a person's eye color isn't as important as the sparkle and luminescence present in the person's eye. -- Best hair color? Shit brown. -- Short or long hair: Not so short that the girl looks asexual, but anything else is fine. Short hair doesn't make me crinkle my nose at night when the hair itches me. -- height: As long as she's good at other things I don't care. Haha -- Best weight: Umm, not that fat? -- Best articles of clothing: Corsets that cause women to faint. I don't give a fuck. LAYER TEN: -- Number of drugs taken illegally: 2? One time each... -- Number of people I could trust with my life: One. -- Number of CDs that I own: Not very many because I had about 140 stolen last spring. -- Number of piercings: Zero -- Number of tattoos: None. Never will get one either, I'm pretty sure, unless someone really convinced me -- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Not sure -- hundreds of times in The Dartmouth, but does that really count? Nah, didn't think so. -- Number of scars on my body: Why is this a layer ten question? I have one on my ass, a few on my arms, one on my leg, and that's about it. -- Number of things in my past that I regret: Probably the worst question that anyone can ask me -- I regret several things but more than anything I regret my actions for the past six months. But that's a blog entry I've already written... posted by Jon | 5:02:00 AM I have seen the light, or, err..., black text! posted by Jon | 4:12:00 AM It's really annoying when you make a change to your Blogger template and it takes eight hours to kick in. I make one mistake, my text goes white, and then I have to wait forever just to be able to read myself again. Complain, complain, complain... but but but :-) posted by Jon | 4:12:00 AM Just... had my typical three-and-a-half hour nap. Except I did it waaaay too late this time. It's like I'm almost obligated to write my thesis or something. ::shock:: I went into The D today and did layout for the first time in a few months. As I've proven, it's really not that hard to use Adobe PageMaker. I even corrected the masthead imperceptibly -- it still looks like shit in my opinion, but I guess Teti was very good at fine tweaking. Of the last three directorates, Ismail, Teti, and Kyle, it seems like they can be characterized in the following way: Omer's directorate was definitely a dictatorship that ran by the seat of its pants. However it still ran fairly smoothly until the internal combustion that led to Bubriski and Marnell quitting. There was a ton of turmoil during this time too, as the Arts Editor was replaced midterm following the revelation he had stolen The Dartmouth's decks and design for The Zetemouth. Then there was the hostile absorption of the Sports Weekly, which replaced the sports section. However some things remained pretty good throughout in my opinion and there were a surprising little number of mistakes. Teti's regime was good but about 9000% more anal. It was more of a democracy (in theory) as anyone could write house edits, but in practice it was an oligarchy as about four people switched between writing the editorials. Polybius would of been proud -- dictatorship leads to tyranny leads to democracy leads to oligarchy. And thus that brings me back to the Kyle regime, which seems to be another work in progress. Judging from this "work," it has more mistakes than the last two directorates, and I don't think I chalk that up to my own hubris at how great I was. I mainly pay attention to the Op-Ed section because that was always the only thing that I had control over. It was fruitless to worry about the news because that section was both uninteresting to me and rarely properly fact-checked or well-corrected (not to say that the initial stories were bad to begin with, just that I disagree fundamentally with the copy editing process -- always have, always will, until someone places far more emphasis on that kind of thing. But then again, I'm a born anal fuck, so I don't take these things lightly. In one poem out of Arthur Yap's entire collected works there is a typo -- "familarity" instead of "familiarity" -- and I caught that error. These things bother me for some reason, perhaps because unintentional spelling seems like a problem that one can avoid. I'm not a supporter of Standard English -- I love dialects and linguistic variations (Schroeder, why you talk cock and pray-pray all day lidat?), but you can still spell things right. Okay -- file that away under the Schroeder story, Memoirs of Anal Retentiveness. That's a glimpse into life at The D, I guess. Some girl is crying upstairs now, I think. And no, this time it's not because of me :-) posted by Jon | 2:13:00 AM Wednesday, May 07, 2003 Here's the funniest subject header I've gotten in a while (courtesy of junk mail): Grow your penis into a bean stalk! posted by Jon | 2:50:00 PM ***Here's a copy of my op-ed that will be published, hopefully, tomorrow in The D. Talk and Awe What is particularly galling about the peccadillo caused by Kathleen Reeder's May 2 column in The Dartmouth, "Sex, Lies and Feminism," is that she has not been held accountable for her flawed conception of feminism. To define herself as a "conservative feminist" simply because she "believes in the equality of the sexes" is an innaccurate understanding of feminism. Rather, feminism's central goal is to establish gender equality; other branches of feminism differ in their beliefs about how to achieve this goal, whether that be the "shock and awe" tactics of radical feminism or the "shop and awe" ones of conservative feminism. While I don't necessarily agree with the inflammatory rhetoric of one side (all women should be lesbians, all sex is rape, etc.), I also don't agree with the conservative feminist position either. Like always, I try to appeal to sense, and that, for me, usually lies in between the two positions. Why, then, does Ms. Reeder take such a position? She certainly tries to create a space that allows her to embrace the label of feminist while also avoiding the negative baggage of radical feminism. Reeder’s position enables her to be both the "good girl" who works within the system at the same time as she takes up for her own purposes the mantle of feminism. Yet, she mistakenly assumes that the phrase "liberal feminism" refers to our American political spectrum of conservative versus liberal. I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong, that the phrase "liberal feminism" actually redefines the Enlightenment notion of "liberal humanism." Instead of saying that all "men are equal," liberal feminism adds women into the mix and says that everyone is equal. I also believe that Ms. Reeder chooses to "work within the system" mainly because she has not thought very much about it. By stating that men and women are definitely different, she gives herself a lot of room to justify any interaction between the sexes as a result of their innate difference. While biological evidence suggests that gender is not wholly constructed, I would like to find anyone who denies that our society creates certain expectations placed on each gender about how to behave and act toward the opposite sex. Of course Ms. Reeder is not alone in her assumption, as Dan Galemba, in his May 6 column in The Dartmouth, "Rationality, Anyone? Please?" is also guilty of denying this idea. If anyone does say that these expectations are also the result of genetically-coded qualities present in every human, I would point that person to examples of other cultures. Many societies are patriarchal, few matriarchal, but few construct sexuality and gender in the same way that ours does, and even fewer the way that we find at our College. It is hard to determine if centuries of layered beliefs are a result of our coding or perhaps the result of men's early dominance in society due to things like physical strength or some other advantage that allowed man's material power to become over time a mental power. But I'm talking about this topic a bit too abstractly. What exactly do Galemba and Reeder agree on about how men and women are different? Reeder's and Galemba's statements that men and women are unequally satisfied by consensual hookups is also somewhat of a reductive assumption. I believe that men are more able to hook up with girls and shrug off emotional followups not because that is present in their nature but because they are more afraid of emotional commitment. Most men are taught -- and this is certainly my experience too -- through athletics and images portrayed in the media and all over our society that they shouldn't show much emotion. And without any experience to show them otherwise, men will continue to think this way. However, I believe, and I hope I'm not wrong, that most men who hook up with girls have the ultimate intention of finding someone with whom they can relate, care about, even love (at Dartmouth? -- feigned shock!). And I'm not someone who advocates a straight progression into the security and sedation of middle age -- I believe in passion while we're young, in sometimes facing the danger rather than taking the safer option. I believe in the examined life. But I can safely say that sex without love is unsatisfying emotionally and incomparable to a healthy, productive relationship -- and if men are insecure about entering into such a pairing, I feel bad for them, and I just think they need to mature a bit. I don't want to offend people of other sexual orientations, but, not knowing as much about those positions, I give my viewpoint about heterosexual interaction. "Conservative feminism" seems to me like another name for traditionalism and retention of the status quo. Whether we want to change society or not, I believe that it is vital to understand how men and women interact. To argue from a purely deterministic viewpoint that gender interactions are already precoded in our minds seems to negate the real possibility that we possess a free will and an ability to change who we are as people. Some things are genetic, but many things are not. We need to agree on this one thing. It is disheartening to see how far some of us need to go to get to this point. posted by Jon | 2:46:00 PM Why does so much of my late night thesis work consist of me sitting around in my boxers, listening to Ayla, drinking red bull, surfing the web, and occasionally doodling on my thesis? posted by Jon | 6:35:00 AM Unbroken Chain "Unbroken Chain" is a great song off of the Grateful Dead's 1975 Mars Hotel album. It was first performed by the Dead on March 19, 1995, almost 20 years after it's release, and it allegedly brought Deadheads and concertgoers in the audience at the time to tears. It's terribly sad and ironic that the song was first sung only a few months before Jerry Garcia's death, but perhaps it is also a celebration of a life that will be continued after his death through music and memories. I think that life is often an unbroken chain at times -- hopefully not unbroken as a consistent chain of discontinuity -- and I hope to be able to rekindle some of the things I want so badly. I went to Mojo's for their Tuesday night special on margaritas -- went with Milan, Faris, Sammo, Pallu, Rajeev, and Saad. It was a lot of fun and I was in a good mood -- got to try out my digital camera (not to mention try out a few margaritas :-) and I have a lot of great pictures that I will perhaps add to one of those websites like snapfish.com or ophoto.com for all the world to be able to participate vicariously in my life. Faris knew something about photography so he took all these cool red overexposed photos where you can see the trails of people's movements. And once again Ash was not there. Oh well. He was off with his middle-aged (figuratively speaking) crew. I got really sleepy after coming back and fell asleep on my bed after setting my alarm for 12:45am. However Christina came in sometime in between and proceeded to be the same grumpy-shit self that she's been for the past few days. She wrote some ten page love letter to her ex- that will probably make him conclude, quite correctly, how crazy she actually can be. But oh well, sometimes when you don't seem to have a positive improvement on another person's life you stop trying. I proceeded to be half asleep throughout her appearance, and she said she was "Going to the chapel to pray" after she left about fifteen minutes later. Now people who treat religion like that kind of piss me off. I'm not very religious, but I believe I know something about faith -- I mean, you can't treat religion as if it were something you can pick up for your own purposes now and store away until you need it later. Think of it as a human relationship? Would anyone deal with your problems if you don't treat them well in the interim, let alone God (or whoever you believe in), who is a perfect and supernatural entity? I'm not sure if that's Christina's attitude (she claims she prays every night), but I'm just using my perception as a springboard for that general thought. Was going to keep sleeping probably if she didn't come in, so I guess that was a positive part of her visit. I was very groggy up until starting this entry in fact. Now I need to do a solid night of editing and writing and then I can get my shit straightened out on my thesis. I just realized that I shirked my duty of writing an op-ed for this week. Damn, I actually want to write one but I'm not sure about what to write about. Suggestions? Perhaps more later. I am very wide awake right now [-o-] But all the while I was alone the past was close behind, I seen a lot of women but she never escaped my mind, and I just grew. *** So now I'm going back again, got to get to her somehow, all the people we used to know, they're an illusion to me now. posted by Jon | 2:20:00 AM Tuesday, May 06, 2003 Relief So I just got back from a meeting with my thesis advisor. She thinks that it would be better not to write an extra chapter and to just write the conclusion and work on editing the rest of my thesis. This is a relief for me, but also means I have to confront the unenviable task of making my thesis understandable to people in the English department who aren't Professor Chin. Chapter breakdown so far: 24 for my intro, 58 for my second chapter, and 31 for my third chapter. Anticipate adding about 10 pages to the third chapter, and writing a 15 page conclusion. So that's about 130 total, plus appendix and bibiography. I will need to cut some parts down and make everything consistent. Missed seeing Jackie today -- she was evidently in Collis when I was in Collis, but in a different part I guess. Oh well. So now I have a lot more time than I anticipated because I don't have to write an extra chapter. I can keep going at the same pace and finish on time. The new digital camera is pretty damn good. I should post a few pictures soon. posted by Jon | 6:50:00 PM Odetta is coming to perform. Not sure if I will go or not, but Odetta is one of the more famous folksingers of the past 50 years. posted by Jon | 3:37:00 PM Good phrase: "Wearing knowledge lightly is the mark of a real scholar." posted by Jon | 3:36:00 PM So I decided to take a nap at 11:30 last night. 13 hours later, I just woke up. Dammit. posted by Jon | 12:50:00 PM Monday, May 05, 2003 Two things Celtics lost. Not that upset actually. Digital camera is all set up. It's pretty cool. Need someone who actually wants to be photographed today -- i.e. Mendez was asleep, Saad and Milan were puttering around, and Ash was gone. Also: So as not to get accused of racism, I'm going to clarify my "vaguely-innapropriate name theory." It is a matter of race, of course, but not of stereotyping a particular race. When Irish immigrants came to America 100 years ago, they also had to go through the slow process of immigration. And part of assimilation entails a change in name. A German might not be Ehrlichmann anymore, but might become "Goodman." Schroder (with an umlaut over the "o") becomes Schroeder. However, these changes are minor. Perhaps a child that would have been named "Eavan" or "Liam" will not be named that after a generation or two in America. Similarly, a Chinese immigrant may not name his or her child Licyau or Wei Yu, right? But what names do these people choose, particularly when they give their first generation children American names? I believe that they give ones that carry unexpected connotations, often ethnically and geographically. Charmaine or Leanne both are stereotypically "southern" names. Certainly names are shifting entities, but I just wanted to highlight this one trend. posted by Jon | 10:06:00 PM I got my digital camera today! posted by Jon | 5:37:00 PM Oh, Kay! And, no, that is not an homage to this girl who apparently was one grade above me at Milton named Kay Chien, who was rumored to be (ahem, Simon, ahem Chao) the hottest Asian girl in school. But if I were to write a blog about a girl I a) don't know at all and b) wanted to use the pun on Okay, then fine, I would title the blog with this one. Now I just need to meet someone named Kay. My nanny when I was little was actually named Kay Horrigan (gee, was she Irish? nah, not possible). Come to think of it, Kay fits into my theory of the "vaguely-innapropriate immigrant names." Have you ever noticed this phenomenon, which is particularly prevalent among Asian-Americans? Basically, my theory is that when you come to a country and are unfamiliar with the naming process, you tend to pick the wrong ones. I mean, really, here is a list of some of the names I've come across through my all-too-extensive travels (and travails) with the immigrant name: Jackson, Marshall, Leeann, Charmaine (okay, reaaally), lots of generically Christian names like Prudence and shit, Jarvis, Duke, Stella, Phyllis, Felicia. And most of those names came from just searching on Blitz for "Lee 03" and "Lee 04" etc... Of course Jackie usually has a fit when I detail this theory because she'll go "Rah rah, they want to use names that sound similar to the Chinese name and has a certain number of strokes to write for prosperity," to which I say, "At least don't pick a name that gets you made fun of endlessly." There have got to be some less-retarded names that don't have weird connotations in America too. Granted, if there were enough Asian-Americans in America (not the case probably ever) then this would all be a moot point, because their naming system would be dominant. However, that's not the case. Editing my thesis sucks monkey nuts the size of coconuts. I'm on page 56 of chapter 2, have added 8 pages as I've edited, and still have all of chapter 3 to edit (which will probably balloon by 5-10 more pages too). Haven't done shit in a long time. Need to go back to editing. posted by Jon | 2:10:00 AM Sunday, May 04, 2003 Musing of the day: If anyone comes up to you and says you're gay, you just say "I'm not gay. Damn straight!" posted by Jon | 11:35:00 PM Fell asleep at about 7 and woke up today at 1 or so. Now in the library doodling around with work. It's a blast... Thinking about buying this book by Henri Lefebvre, The Production of Space, but not sure if I want to spend the $35 it takes to buy the books. Yay, one more day until my digital camera comes in -- think I already got the memory card because I got a call-to-the-window yesterday. posted by Jon | 6:29:00 PM So far I've edited 31 pages out of 83. I want to get to page 50 before I sleep but it's getting harder to stay in the saddle, I'm getting too weary, too easy to die (ok, fine that was from El Paso, a Grateful Dead song, and I haven't been shot while lusting after my "Mexican maiden," but I kind of wish I had been :-) Back to the skeleton ship. Avast these mates. posted by Jon | 6:53:00 AM This is an irritating entry, fool. posted by Jon | 6:53:00 AM Today and everyday like it Ok, stupid Blogger was down for a while, but here's the latest entry. Haven't updated in a while, but quite a bit has happened during the waking hours (aka between 5-6:30am yesterday, 1:40-4:15pm, and 6pm onwards). A bit dehydrated now and once again upset I've lost my water bottle. Oh well. I went to Molly's for lunch today with Christina which was really good. Their cordon bleu (spelled wrong on the menu -- yes I'm dorky and notice these things) was really damn good. Also had a $2 margarita which was the primary reason I got so sleepy afterwards. My new drinking attitude is really retarded -- I hardly ever drink anymore but when I do it's usually like one alcoholic drink at a dinner-type setting. Gee, it's like I'm becoming my parents or something like that. Where is the binge drinking, dammit? Oh well, just a note. C was mopey because of her boyfriend but I'm glad for her because she seems to be taking charge of her life a bit more. I hope she feels good tomorrow. I was mopey on account of residual depression from her sifting into my life (a bad habit I have of absorbing other people's feelings). I did some editing -- about twenty pages of editing -- on my thesis from 6:15-8, and then got convinced by Ryan to come out to eat with Jackie and Daniel. Now I had been in a tiff with Jackie for a while so I was tentative, but Ryan was quite nice and put up with my crap until I caved in. We went to Yama's, this Korean-Japanese restaurant in West Leb, and it actually was pretty damn good, even if it looked like it was run by two people and their dog (ok, no Korean jokes about dogs, please). I sulked in the corner (alright, it was one of the four seats at the table, but it felt like the corner) for most of the meal, then proceeded to fake sulk for the rest of it. The food, as usual, made me feel a little better, though I sulked on the drive home. Talked with Jackie for a little while after the meal -- she was nice enough to talk for half an hour even though she looked like she was about to fall through the earth and die she was so tired. Turns out Jackie's tiredness stemmed from other things so I don't feel quite as bad, but it doesn't bring anything closer to a resolution I suppose. Thus I resolve to be annoying and pestering...haha, just kidding. I don't need to resolve to be like that, already am. Alright you Elliot Smith fans. I caved in and downloaded his "Either Or" album, which was the only full one available from DirectConnect. It's pretty good. Ok, just wasted tons of time by reading his ten page bio on www.sweetadeline.net. Must go back to work. Soon to come: Mendez's thoughts on love, life and how to marry a millionaire (okay, kidding about the last part there). posted by Jon | 6:43:00 AM Saturday, May 03, 2003 So far today I have been awake for: less than three hours. Woke up at 1:40, went to lunch, got in bed by 4:15 and just woke up. I don't feel particularly rested either and am thinking about going back to bed. However I want to work on my thesis and stuff (need to return library books today). Did editing last night and wrote two pages. Not as much as I need to do from now on. Yay senior spring. posted by Jon | 6:20:00 PM So Ash isn't home yet, which is bizarre. At least I thought he came home at about 3am, but in fact I went outside, smelled the room which smelled like beer and smoke and other miscellaneous substances, then saw Imran (pseudo-roommate numero uno) passed out on the couch where he continues to sleep right now. Better than on my bed I say. But Ash's whereabouts are a mystery fit for Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot and, of course, Shitty the Wonder Dog [-o-] posted by Jon | 5:59:00 AM My Manifesto -- Shitty the Wonder Dog's verbal diarrhea Oh if only I could drop dead and be replaced by a robot for the next two weeks, then reawaken and go on with my daily existence. I don't relish the pain of the next week in which I have to finish the rest of my thesis. I guess I really have to stay up much later tonight but I'm so tempted to just go to bed now and start tomorrow. I don't like this cold war mentality with Jackie. She's just as stubborn of a shit as me and will never admit that she's wrong. I understand that she has her own problems to deal with and is also dealing with whatever, but I believe I have twice as much pressure right now. I still will not cave in to something I believe in. Plus, I feel betrayed by her anyway, rightly or wrongly, and I'm not going to compromise, especially when I've always been so goddamn compromising to the point where it's not really a compromise but a concession to every demand. So perhaps I should lay out the blueprint for my own personal use. We'll call this "how not to run your life," by Jon Schroeder. What I'm pissed about: That someone has lost faith in me quicker than I lost faith in her; that that person somehow believes that my complaints are mere harassments and temper tantrums, rather than substantive remarks; that even when I try to be friends with this person, she treats me badly anyway, making the whole point moot; that I believe in the personal worth of myself, and I believe that I am right for this person, even if she doesn't think so at the moment (central problem of course, and one I can't do anything about); but because I believe in this person too and still have faith in her, I get upset by such ideas such as "Err I need someone who's not you and not Phil, who's some combination or medium between the two"; that equation is silly to me and one that seems to me falsely constructed as poles between two unequal things (which goes back to my belief in my self-worth). But essentially all my griping about my faith in humanity and shit like that means that I believe that even when you've fucked up you should be able to get a second chance. Unfortunately Jackie either denies that possibility or wants to be friends, knowing full well (but denying repeatedly) that that is difficult if she is not willing to give me more than she gives to her other semi-autistic friends anyway (haha, I mainly mean Matt -- poor Matt, don't mean to insult him, just in a bad mood). While I understand her need to get space and I think she'll be better off in a small desert island away from her problems, that belief strikes me as childish in that she is basically afraid to make a decision about what she wants in life. Which brings me to a point I know -- that there is no decision about who she wants ultimately because she says right now she doesn't want anybody. But of course that's the safe answer in my opinion, one that conveniently hurts two people less than they could be hurt. And when Jackie leaves she will have the same shit to deal with that she has now; the only difference is that she won't be living in that godforsaken DOC house. What I believe Jackie fails to see is that people are who they are, and there is no real medium between Phil and me. The traits that make up one person sort of exist in a harmony and sometimes you can't have complete pragmatism mixing with idealism. Certain traits just don't go together because they don't make sense. I consider myself a pretty good mix of traits, but Jackie doesn't like three things about me: 1) that I'm stubborn as shit -- witness this blog 2) that I'm rash and act emotionally and do not think ahead about things, and 3) that I'm sometimes arrogant and self-entitled. To that I'd respond: yes, I am all of those things some of the time, but to appreciate who I am you also have to accept those flaws. I also think I am a fairly malleable person about many things; I tend to absorb people's inflections and thoughts and speech patterns more than I heap my own on others; I think I'm more thoughtful and sensitive about how other people feel 95% of the time -- i.e. I try to be aware about how other people act and why they do the things they do (perhaps at the expense of seeing into myself as deeply as I should). I do act rashly and impulsively sometimes -- when I'm mad at people I want to fight them many times because they have hurt me. But without that fighter-mentality I also think that I wouldn't be as loyal, compassionate or full of shit as I am usually. As Blake says, "Without contraries, there is no progression." Without certain vices, there can exist no progression of virtues. And as for my arrogance or sense of entitlement, I actually don't really think I'm very arrogant -- only once in a while do I get cocksure and puff myself up. In fact, that only occurs maybe for a month every two years or so. College has taught me not to be snooty and arrogant (haha, except in class) and to mix high and low art -- just like Jackie when she wants to see "The Hunted" or some other shite movie. Crap: just got about ten borrowdirect notifications to return books to the library. Otherwise they de-ball me or something like that. Moving on... My main belief is that time is an ultimate healer and perhaps whatever damage I have caused will heal and Jackie will understand all these problems. Right now she places someone else above me in importance in her life, which is understandable and fine. Note: I really don't care about exposing my life this way because the people who will see it are generally people I trust anyway and why should I send this as a blitz when I've A) sent much longer before and B) would be sending the email to someone who has already given her email password to someone else? Haha, and this is probably incredibly boring so no one else is reading anymore. The occasional frustration I feel is that I shouldn't have to wait soo long. It has been half a year already, which is a pretty long time. When Jackie says that I can't just waltz into and out of her life, I'm curious about what she means -- I have never really waltzed into and out of her life. And the small emotional blowup that caused this whole problem was just this: I wanted her to call me around midnight to tell her something funny and she wouldn't, which pissed me off mainly because if I were in her situation I would have called her to listen to her yap just like I was about to yap. And no, not like Arthur Yap would yap. Ok, thesis-delirium is setting in :-) Another frustrating thing is that this is all my own fault. I obviously learned a few things that any Hallmark card could tell me: not to take anything for granted, yadda yadda, to realize what kind of inner beauty a person possesses and her potential for the rest of life. So essentially something that was very good broke up because of two things: I was tired of Jackie being the boss, a position that of course I let her assume, and that she didn't like the fact that I didn't think things through (something that I proved amply for the next few months). And those two things, which are not irreconcileable, were the main problems and still are. Perhaps this is why people who break up don't talk very much :-) As Bob Dylan sings: "She turned around to look at me as I was walking away/ I heard her say over my shoulder/ We'll meet again some day/ on the avenue, on the avenue." But my brain tries to tell me that I can be an exception. I think that in life our own semi-selfish belief tells us that we can be different than other people. But I really believe that if you find two people who are willing that you can decide to really do anything. In this situation that's probably not possible just because I am in the position where I am supposed to feel this way -- ie the cirumstances, not my own control, shape my feeling. And it's also the circumstances that shape why Jackie wouldn't want to make a decision. But it is pretty depressing when you start contemplating the boundaries of what one person, one self can accomplish versus what is already decided for you. Because even a lack of a decision can be a crushing decision for one person. Later on when the bottom fell out,/ I became withdrawn/ The only thing I knew how to do/ is keep on keeping on/ like a bird that flew... I am a bit proud of myself in how I have still managed to do well in school despite the immense weight of all this crap the past few months. Because even when everyone else becomes distant from you, you can still cling to something. Hmm, I'm getting less articulate now. It's quite funny that Jackie always gets in the position of being slighted. She is the one who gets hurt a lot more than anyone else--and that's something that both is a testament to the fact that she cares for other people and an indication that she always believes she is right about her moral positions. Whereas my positions get torn down by other people sometimes, she always maintains she is right. Hence the situation right now, which she sees from one perspective while I see it from my own, which she believes to have no value. I know I don't always act in my best interest, but I sometimes need to vent to release my thoughts and order them on the page. I think that this page needs a lot of editing and rearranging, but, thanks to the wonder of the shit-on-the-page power of publishing known as blogging, I don't need to do any editing. Plus, constructing a rational, ordered argument that follows from premise to premise kills all the emotion and makes this like a chess game between two players. But I guess the problem is also this for Jackie: she doesn't want any obligation or expectation in life ever (never has, never will) and she certainly doesn't want to have me be friends with her with the expectation that I have of getting back together with her. She has another variable in her life in her other "friend" who she happens to live in the same bed with despite the fact that she's not dating him (uh huh). She has tremendous difficulty in mediating all those things. Fine, I see trouble when a storm is brewing. Oh well, it's once again about my self worth. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but I believe I'm better than most people in life. That's elitist and arrogant and I'm aware of that fact, but Jackie knows who I am and it's up to her to decide if I'm really that good. And I'll have to wait and she can make up her own mind about stubbornness, about relative self-worth, about her own powers of attraction as a female and what she wants out of life. But I have a thesis to write and this has loosened up my bowels just enough to start writing for a few hours. Perhaps next entry can be how all the people I know are "an illusion to me now." But I'll save that for another break, and another day. posted by Jon | 3:18:00 AM Friday, May 02, 2003 Jon's Theories: 1. Digital cameras have made homemade porn proliferate exponentially. Unconnected occurrence: I just bought a digital camera. 2. I look a lot better when I don't shower. And, no, that doesn't mean I am going to stop showering. Thoughts: I'm going to adopt a dog and call it Shitty the Wonder Dog. Then I'll talk about how difficult it is to toilet train Shitty. posted by Jon | 9:29:00 PM In the long run Woke up late today because my clock stopped working at said 9:15 at 10:40. Fortunately got a call (to wake up Ash, incidentally) at that time and woke up for my exam, which wasn't terribly bad, but I think he's a hard grader, so I'll reserve judgment. Got back my paper and did well which was exciting. Skipped my 12 and didn't write my paper, but I don't feel terribly about that. I mean, I calculate that I only need an A- and and A in English to be fine for Phi Beta Kappa. And if I get an A- or better on my English exam I should be pretty much set for English. No going out tonight I guess -- I have one week to finish a draft of my thesis and by hell or high water I'm going to do it. I really need to do well on the rest of it so I will be working my ass off for a while. Better to aim for infinitude even if it's not possible, just like Wordsworth climbing Mt. Snowden. Had a wonderful time with Christina today -- good lunch and a great talk afterwards. She was also very happy about her English stuff so she was in a good mood. Going to see X-Men 2 soon even though it's really not my kind of movie. Ah the power of $100 mill in advertising and peer pressure. Thought for the day: what if, instead of linking occasional things, I just linked every single goddamn word to dictionary.com? That would be a pretty funny entry. I then could use lots of weird words like sesquipedalian and such. Also: the grand plan to take over a small corner of the internet is succeeding. I have upwards of 15 hits today! Oooh, look at me. Actually, the public nature of a blog is a bit scary. It entails a totally different type of writing than a diary (which, by the way, I have not kept except on Mt McKinley and in Wyoming). I can't say the same things really, can I? Will finish later. Now must use damn greenprint [-o-] posted by Jon | 3:35:00 PM Shit, I have my exam in five minutes and my clocke died so I woke up late. I don't think I'm going to my 12. posted by Jon | 11:04:00 AM An Interesting Question I've found more and more that my mood is dependent on apparently stupid little things, like how much food and water I've had lately, how much sleep I've been getting, and what kind of stress I'm under. For example, I hadn't had anything to eat since 10pm the night before today at around 1pm, and I was also thirsty. So when I got upset at Jackie it wasn't totally a surprise. The question that arises is related to this: when I get upset, am I releasing genuine emotions that are hemmed in, or am I just spouting out crap that I don't really mean just because I'm upset? I tend to believe that the things I say do have justification, but that my anger just puts them in a different tone that isn't as nice. I mean, I think hunger and stress make people say less rational things, but they are only irrational in the way that they are things the normally functioning rational mind wouldn't say. Or perhaps this is some spiral toward insanity. I tend to lean toward the latter. Saw a really cool reading today -- Li-Young Lee was reading his poetry, along with the not-as-interesting Meena Alexander (ok, maybe I was just turned off by her snooty accent -- LY Lee was much cooler). He's really damn funny and sounds like Garrison Keiller. Also saw Maxine Hong Kingston (looks like a large white rat with really long hair) and Garrett Hongo (large man with a walrus moustache). Have an exam tomorrow (studied for the past five hours) and a two page paper (nope, not a bit of work on it yet). Going to study for a little bit more then do paper quickly -- hopefully get to bed by 5 or 6 but probably not. Missed the Celtics game today because of work, but happy that they won. Really hope they beat the Nets, but not getting my hopes up. Generally in a pretty good mood today. I guess the reason I've been upset lately is because I want to maintain my faith in humanity, in the general good of at least a handful of people in the world, and I've come to realize that many people I know are self-motivated at heart. Oh well, perhaps this is the restrictive nature of experience in the world. I feel again like going for a nice long walk through the woods to smell the pollen in the air and feel the sting of air against my face. Damn, this Romantic poetry is really getting to me. I'm finally not as sore as before so I might play some more basketball this weekend. Til I'm bored again (and no, not twenty minutes down the line -- I hope) [-o-] posted by Jon | 1:20:00 AM Thursday, May 01, 2003 The cock crows, because he is tired Why do annoying people also have to stay up so fricking late? I've holed myself up in my room after Ash came back with Sehr, but she's still jabbering away away away away. Should send her to goddamn speech therapy lessons for volume control and accent reduction -- maybe Caroline can make some money. Of course, for some reason Ash and Sehr have been speaking Hindi a lot today, with some English interspersed in between. To me it sounds like, "bwa hsihx bahasa thiem monkey ihiex nikhnne, which is very good, tyuts wubxjm. thanks." And of course I am listening in for my name. Eventually I just decided they were talking for fun, or due to alcohol consumption, and not to hide something from me. There are some people in this world that I know I should hold back judgment on, but I just can't muster the effort to actually want to get to know them before I pass judgment anyway. It's like -- you're so damn annoying that I don't feel like getting past the awkward stages of socializing. Of course, I would probably not know someone like Matt for those reasons, but I am not the most intolerant person in the world, just not the most tolerant either. I do believe in some exclusion -- all-inclusiveness always gives me shivers. It's like, "Why would you want to just accept anyone as a friend? Don't we each have innate or nurtured qualities that make us gravitate toward certain people and not toward others?" And I don't gravitate toward people who accept just about anyone. The types of people I don't like are generally people who are in college but already act middle-aged: these are the people who seem to accept all the trappings of bourgeois, boring existence as a normal course of life. I obviously don't come from some fringe part of society, but I certainly don't like to think of myself in that light. I feel like it's such a numbing, thoughtless life left unexamined and I'd rather at least hold off a few years before entering the sedation and simulation of a boring shitty corporate job. Give me a book and a mountain to hike over a cab ride to a sushi bar in New York anytime. And preferably let me do it alone. People just get in the way these days. This sort of connects with my theory about how I'm not totally hick/rural and not totally urban/sophisticated. I think that my childhood represents this divide, as I always spent a lot of time playing in the woods, cutting trees down, cultivating gardens, helping my dad out (even though I'd always beg not to have to do the work). I think I love animals so much because I actually had the experience of ferreting around my summer home in Little Compton and looking for animals, frogs, snakes, and sometimes herons and beavers. And yet I also live right next to the city (speaking of which, some girl was sitting next to me in Novak the other day and kept saying "Where is this Brooklyn place. It sounds like the part of New York, but it's spelled Brook-L-I-N-E"). All making for one muddled, strange boy -- who should be reading and not writing on his bloggy blog. Too bad there aren't any openings for prophets or seers. I'd be set if there were. Think Dartgreen would advertise that shit? What would be the qualifications? --Must be able to see into future, preferably major in Philosophy, and must consume high quantities of drugs...with a minimum GPA of 3.0. Dammit, maybe I'm not totally qualified (due to the drugs and phil parts). Oh well, I'll apply anyway. Would God be my boss? The demiurge? Prime mover? On the plus side, I've read Christabel, Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and Kubla Khan in the last two hours. Now I have to read critical essays all written before 1964, back when Heffernan went to grad school. Ok, back to reading [-o-] posted by Jon | 5:28:00 AM Trouble Me Ok, decided to skip napping. I guess I'm conscripted to serve a tour of duty lying on the couch reading English Romantic Poets -- Samuel T. Coleridge, here I come. A stately monkey dome I do decree indeed. What a tear stained shock of the world, you've gone away without saying goodbye. -- from "Hey Jack Kerouac." Really good song. New thought for the day: wouldn't it be cool if you could invent a few new marks of punctuation? Instead of writing a comma here or there, you could be like, here, this is my new mark of punctuation: [-0-] Everytime I use this [-0-] which I call the semiretardmark, which shall replace the end period of an entry from now on. Rob -- Princeton Rob, that is -- apparently wrote only three sentences for the conclusion of his senior thesis. That's pretty funny. Dumb bastard will probably still get high honors or something like that. I think if I ever wrote a thesis again, I would just begin by saying: "In this thesis, you will find absolutely no literary analysis. Instead, I'm going to write about whatever I feel like. Derrida, Foucault, Pompous Assus -- you won't find any of 'em here." Just like I get sick of too much music, I'm sick of poetry analysis after 100 pages of it. Sometimes I think there is a beauty to something when it isn't explained. It's like when critics write about laughter -- obviously there analysis isn't very funny and isn't interesting to work. Theories and critical remarks kill those things. I guess it's taken me four years to get to Rob's state of disillusionment with many things academic; it's like this -- so many academics have not experienced much of life, and there are very few people who have a comprehensive view of the world anyway, but particularly among academics. It's not surprising that academics tend to overspecialize and skip the broad topics in favor of analyzing narrow things. Of course, even great thinkers like Marx had to do their dirty work (read: dissertation on medieval economic institutions) before coming up with their grand theories. But many academics never reach that "aha" moment where they put everything together. Which brings me to a tangential point that is sort of related: how do feminists have sex? I'm not even going to talk about how many are hetero- or homosexual. But just think about it: if you spend all your damn day theorizing and thinking about gender relations, haven't you academically killed half the fun that is the enjoyment of unspoken intimate interaction with another person? Do you imagine Simone de Beauvoir was really good in bed? Susan Sontag? Gloria Steinem? What about Dartmouth WGST profs? Either they lead very surprising double lives or you've got to feel bad for them [-0-] posted by Jon | 1:58:00 AM Well, I took a five hour nap and woke up with a headache at about 10 pm. I don't feel productive and don't feel like doing anything at all, so I might go back to sleep at try to wake up at 9am or so (yeah right like that will happen). Exam on Friday and two page paper to write. Fuck. School is a pain in my ass right now. After this week is over I'll feel a bit better though. I really dislike it when people give me bullshit answers to my requests. I'd rather get a direct hurtful response than the sideways, I-am-so-nice-because-I'm-telling-you-a-white-lie response. None of this stringing me along bullshit because I will not be part of someone's backup plan. I can't affect other people's lives of course, but I sure as hell can get upset at what is in my opinion a stupid choice. Damn I'm in a shitty mood right now. Must stop doing the ecstacy that makes me have staggering lows afterwards :-) If only I could use that as an excuse... Another stupid thing: how dumb is it that Prof. Graver's exam was so easy and her two page papers (40% of the grade) are so hard? This reminds me of the stupid grading policies of Prof. Vavreck, before she was thankfully expunged from the Dartmouth faculty -- Vavreck of course was worse with her "three random questions" throughout the term counting for half your grade and her optional finals. Graver is a very good professor. I just need to crack this whole ancient philosophy paper thing. Thank god she will only count five out of seven papers total. posted by Jon | 12:18:00 AM |
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